Irish Daily Mirror, Saturday November 13th 2010

Domestic Abuse Special Investigation

It was a Fair City storyline that shocked the nation. But behind the violent attacks by character Suzanne Halpin on husband Damien in the RTE drama, is a growing real-life scourge of male domestic abuse in Ireland.

Last year Amen, a support service for male victims of domestic abuse, reported an 80% increase in the number of people contacting their services after suffering abuse.

Its first annual report revealed 3,644 men sought help last year, up from 2,028 in 2008.

Chillingly, a quarter of these -26%- were physically abused with victims reporting being stabbed, burnt by cigarettes and having their hair pulled out.

The organisation, which operates a helpline and counselling service for men, said where there is physical abuse there is always emotional abuse. Many victims also experience sexual abuse. More than one third of clients last year suffered verbal abuse with 38% suffering psychological torment.

Typical forms of verbal or psychological abuse faced by men by controlling female partners include not being allowed to see family/friends, hiding their car keys, listening to phone calls, accusing them of having affairs and publicly humiliating them.

Many men also report various other allegations made against them and that their children have been alienated from them.

One victim, known only as Richard, said: "I spent a day with my son. We had a great day playing sport and spending time together. The following day he would not speak to me. Two weeks later my wife saw me driving by their school. She called the Gardaí and had me arrested. Near the end of the month I had access with my two children, I could not believe the hatred they showed towards me which hurt and baffled me."

For far too long men have been suffering in silence because of the stigma attacked to being battered by a woman. Amen manager Niamh Farrell said society has tended to treat a male victim as a joke because he does not conform to the stereotypical male image.

However, the decision by Fair City to feature such an emotive issue in its storyline has struck a chord with viewers all the country and generated a huge response from male victims. Ms Farrell said: "We've been flooded with calls since the Fair City storyline started. It has definitely had an impact and hopefully it will encourage more male victims to seek help."

She added that the writers worked closely with Amen in developing the plot and the charity is very pleased with how it has been handled.

Declan Keaveney, one of Amen's first clients back in the 1980s, met with actor Maclean Burke who plays Damien to give him an insight into what it is like to suffer domestic abuse at the hands of your wife.

Declan said: "Suzanne wants to control Damien, there is jealousy there too. He can't look sideways but he is in trouble and he is not allowed to react."

"But it's like a dog, if you keep poking a dog, it will eventually react and he'll either fight back or run away. I hope this story will wake people up to the extent of the problem in this country. What's being portrayed in Fair City is only the tip of the iceberg as far as I am concerned."

"The law favours the woman. A man faces a huge obstacle of having to prove he is in fact the victim."

"I've come out the other end, I got full custody of my children but my wife took my kids away from me initially even though she was the perpetrator. My wife made false allegations against me. Everyone took her side and believed what she said at the beginning because she was the woman. Losing contact with your children is the worse thing of all. I cried for days."

"It was very tough at the time but I stood my ground and got what I wanted - my children and for them to be happy."

Six years on Declan is using his own experience to help others.

He said: "Men are their one worse enemies because they stay silent rather than tell someone what is going on. I did it myself, kept it quiet for years."

"In Amen we get a lot of calls from mothers, sisters and aunts of men who are being beaten and bullied by their partners but just can't face it."

"There is of course the fear of ridicule but this attitude must change."

Ms Farrell agreed society's attitude towards male victims seems to prevent more from coming forward.

She said:"Male victims will relate stories of being dismissed, mocked and misunderstood by the various agencies of the State."

"They are sometimes disbelieved by social workers, Gardaí and the legal profession. This is most evident when false allegations are made against me by their wives or partners. They can loose contact with their children for long periods of time and this time can never be replaced."

Case Study One

I'm a 50 year old professional male and I'm also a battered husband.

My children are grown up so my fears are not around that. I have been married for over 20 years. I have slowly but surely modified my life to such an extent I have very little life left. I do this so as not to provoke a violent outburst from my wife.

I have been punched, kicked, scratched, hit with objects. I've put up with all t his, I said to myself, for the sake of my children, but now they are grown up so they don't need me.

The violence has lessened over the years but lately it has increased again in both frequency and intensity.

I am scared. We have a mortgage and I can't afford to leave and keep the mortgage repayments.

I believe that if I remain in my marriage I will be seriously hurt or killed. That's no exaggeration.

Case Study Two

If there are other men out there like me, all I can say is god help them, if they went through what I did.

My wife changed when we married. I had to bring my four month old daughter to work as my wife did not want her. She would vanish for days.

Every job I got I lost because of the amount of time I had to take off to look after the children.

I was abused more as the years went on. I was scaled, scratched, kicked and lots more.

She scaled two of the children; they spent a long time in the hospital with burns on their legs and backs.

On many occasions I went to the Social Welfare for help but because I was a man I would get none. Eventually I stopped asking.

My wife had affair after affair, because of this I was given a Legal Separation.

I considered suicide but the children held me back as I love them so much. She has being living with another man now for years.

Case Study Three

I have been married for 13 years. I have a good job, three lovely children and a good standard of living.

And I'm about to leave all this behind. I cannot stand my wife's behaviour.

The rows erupt over the most minor of things and my wife has become really aggressive, shouting, hitting and throwing things at me.

The abuse has escalated, and she has threatened me with a knife on several occasions.

I do not feel safe at home and sleep alone with my bedroom door locked. The reasons for these outbursts can be simple as me arriving home a quarter of an hour late, or one of the children making a mess.

My wife has insulted my family to such an extent that they do not want anything to do with us and have told me to just leave the marriage. I feel totally alone.