The importance of fathers

Maria Byrne

It sometimes seems that the value of the Christian family is being diluted. The role of the father, in particular, is sometimes seen as an optional extra. The focus is often on men who are perceived as not ''up to the mark'', but there is little publicity or support for the many thousands of fathers who are living proof that no matter what the difficulties, it is possible to be a positive and inspiring role model for their children.

Young children are taught about the great love of God, their Father. The word 'father' applies to a biological relationship but evokes images that involve a lot more than mere biology. A man can have the title of 'father', but more important than the title is the fathering role. Unfortunately when we talk of fathering a child, we often focus solely on conception without appreciating that being a father involves taking on a lifelong challenge of loving, caring, nurturing and guiding.

The saddest words that a child can say when his father dies is that he never knew him. In Dr Ray Guardendi's book, Back to the Family, he focuses on practices and attitudes that make successful families work. He mentions the unique role of the father. One account is of a father who had been the youngest of seven children. His own father had taken little interest in him throughout his formative years. He never spent any time with his young son. The day the father died, his son came home and on seeing a picture of his parents on the sideboard, he looked at his father and said, ''Dad, it's a shame, but I never knew you''.

Neglect

Heartbreaking words that no father would like to hear uttered about himself. This son could have reacted bitterly to his father's neglect but he decided that if he ever had children, he would give them every support possible and that he would spend time with them. Instead of being negative and caught up in the injustices of the past, he resolved to learn the lessons from his own father's mistakes.

There is a huge emphasis today on linking our parenting styles to how we ourselves were parented. But, a man has to believe that he can leave his emotional baggage behind him. In Back to the Family, Dr Ray Guarendi speaks of reverse resolve - a reaction to painful childhood events. It is characterised by adults refusing to remain victims of their childhoods and resolving to avoid repeating their parents' mistakes. One man spoke of the anger he felt towards his alcoholic parents and how frightened he was as a child when they fought constantly. He managed to stop feeling bitter and made a positive decision, as an adult, to abstain from alcohol. In his own marriage and parenting, he has focused on working hard at communicating with his wife and children. His past was traumatic, but he didn't let it impact negatively on his life.

Small children often feel that their fathers can do everything and that they know everything. I only have to listen to our two-year-old daughter, asking my husband endless questions about why the sky is blue or stars are bright, to realise the total faith she has in him as a man with all the answers.

Hero

All fathers would love to go on being the hero in their child's life story. I came across an interesting point in a little CTS booklet, The Role of a Christian Father where it dealt with the issue of a father as hero. Gradually, children start to see the humanity and the imperfections in the man who they once considered perfect. Keith Chappell, the writer of the pamphlet, points out that, as a Christian father, being asked to be God can appear daunting.

However, this is not what is expected. What fathers are being asked is to take the chance of allowing their children to be the hero in their own story. Fathers who love their children, will give them the freedom to use their free will to go on the search for what life has to offer them, always being there to greet and embrace them as they proudly return having been the hero in their own lives.

I asked several fathers, all with very different approaches to parenting, their personal views on what characteristics or traits they saw as being important for a good father. There were striking similarities in their choices. Being kind, loving, dependable and gentle were important for most of them.

Safe harbour

One father mentioned tolerance, consistance and having a calm approach; another talked of being a safe harbour that a child can retreat to in times of trouble - somebody you are not afraid to talk to about your worries or troubles even when you're embarrassed or fearful. My own husband mentioned being a strong person, but also being funny and affectionate, not afraid to show your love for your children or to say sorry when you're wrong. He values integrity which was also mentioned by another young father who thought that a father should be someone on whose integrity the child can depend and can be looked up to as a true example of steadfastness and right values.

A father has a lot to live up to, but half the battle is to realise what the ideal is and to work from there. Fatherhood provides a unique opportunity for a man to become closer to God through his children and to grow in grace and holiness.

In times of failure, worry or frustration, it's important to remember that their children are also God's children. According to Keith Chappell, 'ultimately, there can only be one parenting skill, one tip or instruction in the handbook af fatherhood and it is found in the words of Saint Augustine: ''Love-then do whatever you like''. Wise words indeed and a simple formula for any father to live by. For only by acting in a spirit of love can any man hope to be successful in this most important and often undervalued role.