The Irish Independent - Thursday, August 26, 2010

Law not only failing fathers, it's failing their children too

By Martina Devlin

"IT'S a hamster wheel of misery -- a game of control over me. Why is she allowed to sabotage my attempts to be a loving dad? Why is she able to use my children as a weapon to beat me with?"

That's how one father portrays the war of attrition with his ex as he struggles to maintain a bond with his family.

Of all the subjects I have tackled, the topic that precipitated the most heartfelt emails -- an outpouring of cries in the dark -- was the way our society allows separated fathers to be isolated from their children.

When a man splits up from his partner, he rarely intends to detach himself from his children -- yet many feel pushed away. They flounder in a system predisposed to regard all of them as deadbeat dads.

In some cases, custody arrangements are not honoured by mothers and it's difficult and expensive to make women abide by what the courts stipulate.

To their cost -- and the children's -- they learn how easy it is for an uncooperative mother to make an ass of the law. Oops, she inadvertently scheduled an exciting event coinciding with the child's time with his dad; surely he wouldn't be mean enough to deprive little Jack of the chance to go canoeing with friends?

There's always a birthday party that can't be missed, a sleepover treat he'd hate to lose out on, an aquarium visit that would help with his school project. He can see daddy next week instead. Maybe.

Not all single mothers behave this way. Many bite back their frustrations at men who buy fancy trainers for their child but don't help with the electricity bill. Or who are persistently late with maintenance payments.

But women hold most of the cards when a family unit breaks down, and they don't always play fair. Some cooperate grudgingly with access, undermining their children's relationship with the father. Going back to court to protest about it is a costly, provocative measure.

The sister of a separated man describes how his wife persistently rings their three children on their mobile phones, saying: "It's a pity you're with daddy this week, I have a new puppy." Or: "John has come over to play with you."

Do these women understand the harm they cause? Do they care? They use their children as intimate friends, confiding more than is appropriate. Negative remarks can be made about dads and children become confused, asked to take sides.

A father wrote: "On many levels my ex is a great mother but, bizarrely, she seems to hate me more than she loves our daughter." So she has no compunction about hijacking important dates, such as birthdays and a first day at school.

Gender profiling presumes mothers are the best parents. This is not always the case. The law needs to join the 21st Century and recognise that gender is not an automatic basis for awarding custody.

The law also supposes that two people will behave as responsible adults and put a child first, rather than turn their offspring into ammunition.

But anyone with a brother, colleague or friend who is a separated dad can see how fathers continually are sold short. In the process, children are deprived of their dads.

The courts are not protecting children from mothers blinded by resentment against their ex and incapable of setting aside negative feelings.

"Give us a chance to be there for our children, to have a meaningful relationship with them, and take the emotion out of it," pleads another father.

"I know there are two sides to every story, but children deserve a relationship with both parents. It shouldn't be a win/lose situation -- there's too much at stake: for the children, parents and society in general."

Separated parents who manage to make it work say an agreed framework, sometimes using mediation, can help. Such documents, best put in writing, specify arrangements for holidays, fees, health issues and school decisions.

Unfortunately, problems surface when circumstances change -- and when feelings do. Here's an email that's all too typical: "My son was only three months old when our relationship broke down. It was a traumatic time, but we agreed we loved our son and would work towards the common goal of raising him.

"That soon soured. She texted me, then met me with the same message: 'Go away. Go to another country. Forget your son. You're no good as a father.' I pleaded with her. She would not change her mind.

"I went to court and was told my son was too young for me to be his guardian. There was a terrible sense of 'guilty until proven innocent'. I was offered two hours a week with my little boy. I fought long and hard to get four. Four hours is nothing, it's cruel."

We need to set up a system that ensures custody settlements are followed, without dads being driven to back off from hands-on fathering. Or feeling they have no choice but to appeal to the courts, with all the expense and hostility that entails.

Responsible parenting should be taught in school because it's too important to leave for people to pick up as they go along.

We throw up our hands in horror at the consequences of a fatherless society, but do nothing to help men to be co-parents if their relationship with their child's mother breaks down.

Bad enough that we are failing fathers -- but it's inexcusable to fail their children, too.